


transparency

by kemia



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crying, Depression/Anxiety, Gen, Mishima Yuuki Does His Best, Sad with a Happy Ending, There's a lot of crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:30:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kemia/pseuds/kemia
Summary: "i guess humans can’t help but be that way, right? we can’t help but want to be seen, even when we’re invisible."





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**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all! we've gotta keep meeting up like this.
> 
> this is a one-shot fic that I wrote for Moonboy Zine (@MoonboyZine), which is a mishima-centric zine. now that we're allowed to post our pieces, i'm happy to share mine with you! i'm also really happy about the support the zine received, and i love knowing that so many people appreciate mishima!
> 
> thanks as always for reading! i love y'all! ♥

_I think I’ve always known that I wasn’t important._

_I mean, if I was, wouldn’t my mother have smiled at me more? Wouldn’t my friends have paid attention? Wouldn’t the teacher have even called on me?_

_For a while, I just thought that I was born invisible. If I was really hopeful, and I made a difference, then slowly, I might be seen by other people._

_By high school, I figured it out. A zero can’t make a difference._

_They’ll never remember what I looked like or what my name was. They’ll never remember what I said or what I did._

_At some point, I had to learn to be okay with that._

_But when I was stuck crying, pathetic and alone in the custodial closet, holding my jacket sleeve to my nose to try and stop the bleeding, I still wanted someone to see me. Just once, I wanted someone to see the horrible, stupid me._

_Even though I knew no one would come, I still begged for help._

_I guess humans can’t help but be that way, right?_

_We can’t help but want to be seen, even when we’re invisible._

 

* * *

Yuuki leaned back slowly, cracking his knuckles one by one as the desk chair beneath him creaked in agony. The soft, off-white glow from his lamp burned against his eyes, making his vision bleary as it mixed with the bright red of his computer screen. Text and code began to blur as tears from a long yawn scattered the blob of colors around him. His head fell to the side, his eyes aimed toward the window above his bed.

“Morning already.”

Even at this time in the morning, his phone would still buzz on his nightstand every once in a while, making a hollow sound against the wood. The Phantom Thieves had exerted themselves over Japan in a way that was so undeniable, the passing weeks felt composed of their presence. Days and nights were full of answer-seekers, conspiracy theorists and trolls all cemented on a red backdrop.

There used to be an accompanying rush that came with each and every notification. A wonderful, satisfying feeling came along with others finding something you’d made useful, Yuuki figured. It used to make his head feel light on his neck and it used to make his hands quake so bad he could barely swipe his fingers across the glass. Now, it just …

He didn’t really know how he felt about it; it was inexplicable for someone like him. As his confidence increased with every new ping, the desperate high necessary to get up in the morning began to wear off and the pride he built up dissolved.

_A zero can’t make a difference... I thought I’d finally gotten around that. I thought I broke the curse, but in the end, it’s not like they’ll remember me… They still won’t know what I look like or what my name is. To everyone else, I’m just a faceless admin._

_The world doesn’t need Mishima Yuuki. They just need someone invisible to make them feel visible._

His head lolled again, gaze now toward the ceiling.

_Stupid, this is what happens when you stay up all night like this. You think like this again. You’re doing this to help other people and to help Kurusu-kun. You’re doing the right thing. You’re more important than the scumbags that the people in your forums write about. You deserve better._

_Why are you crying? Stop it._

Yuuki held the tears back in his throat, the pain sitting within it becoming unbearable quickly. His fingers twisted and intertwined in a brittle, pained fashion.

“… I’m being selfish.”

_Look at you. You’re being used again. Kurusu-kun is just using you for publicity. He doesn’t even like you. He won’t even look you in the eye in class and he only texts you because he has to. He doesn’t even care enough to hate you. You’re unimportant._

_Anyone could do what you’re doing._ _Be grateful for what you have and keep going. It’s not like going to sleep is going to help you. You have class in two hours. You don’t need it._

Yuuki sighed, pursed his lips and swallowed the last traces of pain before shifting his chair forward with his feet. His eyes dragged along his notebook, filled to the margins with request notes that became less and less legible as they went on.

The opening sentence of one of the requests he’d jotted down caught his eye.

“I know no one else will listen to me, so please help me before I give up...”

It fell from his lips like a mantra, and his hand dragged across his face before he returned to his keyboard, typing away as if he’d never stopped.

 

* * *

“Hey. _Hey_ . Mishima. _Mishima!_ ”

Yuuki jolted upward, straight as a board. He quickly realized that there was drool on the side of his lip, and he wiped at it with his knuckles before looking up at his teammate.

“Dude, I thought Kawakami-sensei was gonna kill you. You didn't even wake up when the lunch bell went off.”

“The lunch bell went off?”

Yuuki scrambled to grab his phone from inside his desk. A quarter after noon.

“Oh… Guess it did, huh.”

“Are you… okay? You look like you haven't slept in days.”

He hadn't, really. The only sleep he had gotten was a combination of a few short naps he took during class and the one time he fell asleep at his desk during the night.

But… this was weird. Yuuki  knew him from the volleyball team, of course, but they never talked otherwise.

“What makes you say that? I’m fine. Why are you so worried about it?”

“Like… Sometimes I can't sleep, either, and I didn't even get the worst of it.”

“The worst of what?”

“You know…”

He did know. Yuuki could tell by the way that his eyes trailed away from looking at him.

“... I’m fine. Worry about yourself. Just call for the Phantom Thieves if you need help again, right?”

“Right, the Phantom Thieves… You really love those guys, don't you? You still haven't let up on that?”

“They saved me, you know. They saved all of us.”

“Yeah, but… I doubt they even remember us. Why do you worship them?”

From the corner of his eye, Yuuki saw Akira enter the room, this time without his usual entourage.

“Maybe they don't, but it’s important to me. Anyway, I gotta… uh, go talk to him.”

Yuuki nodded to excuse himself and got up from his desk, dragging his feet toward the windows where Akira sat. He had to get over his thoughts. He needed some sort of affirmation. Despite the sound of his footsteps, Akira didn't look up from his phone until Yuuki had been standing over him for quite a few seconds.

“Hey… Uh, can we talk? It's not anything Phantom Thieves related. Well, it sort of is, but not really.”

Akira adjusted his glasses, peering up at Yuuki with solemn, silent eyes. He took an eternity to speak, staring at Yuuki’s face with the kind of frown that made him look like he was assessing the damage of a fender-bender.

“Sorry, I’m planning something right now. Can't talk.”

_… Right. That's all you should have expected, Yuuki._

“Oh… Yeah. Sorry to bother you."

_You really thought he'd take time for you? You’re just like a dog, Yuuki… A good, obedient boy who is only wanted until he starts barking._

He turned away and hurried out the door, not once feeling anyone's eyes on him.

_You can't look at what you can't see._

His legs swept him down the hallway, eyes darting around as if a single gaze would be the needle in his neck that would paralyze him.

_Do you even know where you’re going? Everyone thinks you look pathetic. They’ve always thought that, and that’s why they leave you alone. They don’t want to be dragged into your sob story._

Mishima spun on a heel and launched himself through the entrance to the bathroom, practically sprinting into the stall once he was out of sight.

He started crying. He hated crying because he knew it showed off his weakness, and it was always set off by the smallest inconveniences. This time, though, he really, _really_ needed to cry. He had kept everything pent up so he could work through the night for days on end. His brain was catching up to its own lack of health, and it figured the least it could do was let Yuuki spill his tears until he was absolutely done.

 _Don’t you realize how ridiculous you’re being? Crying in the bathroom again because your “friend” wouldn’t talk to you right when_ **_you_ ** _needed him?_

Of course, it couldn’t do him the simple favor of being quiet.

The sleeves of his turtleneck became disgustingly damp, suppressing his panicked hiccups as they soaked up his fears and doubts. Time passed around him inevitably, the sounds of shuffling feet and muffled murmurs seeping in from the entrance before eventually tapering off into silence. Still, Mishima didn’t move from the stall until the warning bell ran a shock through him, urging him to scrub at his eyes and rush back to his classroom.

After that, he was certain he would force himself to sleep through the day again, any consequences be damned.

 

* * *

The glaring light from his screen was beginning to make him see red. For the first night since he’d begun, Yuuki had no motivation at all to manage the Phantom Thieves. Every stir from his cell phone made him want to smash it against the floorboard.

His finger tapped idly in an irregular rhythm, his eyes not looking at anything in particular. He was more focused on staving off his own emotions, often fluctuating between self-pity and an intense anger.

_It’s not fair. It’s not fair that these people have their problems solved and suddenly everything gets better for them. It gets better for them, and I’m going crazy._

His heels tapped roughly at the legs of his chair, half-filled with the urge to just kick it out from under himself, because _why would it matter?_

Words fly by in the forums, and his eyes flicker in and out of focus. _Bullshit, bullshit, more bullshit._

_When did you start thinking like this, Yuuki? You have to get over this…_

“At this point, I’m barely even a person. Why am I still helping these people?” he whispered through the fingers of his left hand while his right relentlessly scrolled.

_Nothing, nothing, nothing. This is all a joke._

The bedroom rung with only the puny whir of the computer fan and the small, irritating sound of the mouse wheel, endlessly turning -

“...What is _this?”_

A new thread suddenly appeared among the sea of Phantom Thieves gushing, titled “To Our Admin” without any punctuation. The original poster remained anonymous, which had Yuuki curious, but expecting something horrible or disgusting, even given the positive upturn of current events. Despite that hesitance, his pointer raced right toward the post, which loaded painfully slow.

He realized quickly that it had loaded so slowly because it had more posts than he had ever seen on a single thread before. There were pages and pages of responses. His attention caught on the original text, posted in a bright, bold font.

**The Phantom Thieves have done a ton of amazing stuff over the past few months, but I think we should acknowledge the fact that without the Phan-Site, our community wouldn’t be nearly as strong. The Phantom Thieves have been answering our prayers thanks to this site, so I created this thread to spread the love to the Admin, who does nothing but work hard for us every single day. Take a little time and thank them for all their hard work!**

Yuuki’s lips parted and hung there in disbelief. He kept scrolling, slow enough that one could see each individual pixel move.

The following posts were littered with excessive expressions of thanks, some short and sweet while others were long-winded. Some had even created elaborate displays. One read, “Our Hero, the Admin!” in bright red marker, with smaller pen doodles of the Phantom Thieves insignias.

Yuuki felt his face flush red-hot, his eyes stinging and welling up. Through the threat of tears, he continued downward on the page until he spotted a username that he recognized from a previous request. There was a short paragraph, and Yuuki read it to himself with shaky breath.

“Thank you, Admin, for giving me an outlet to let my voice be heard. Before the Phantom Thieves came along, I was beginning to think it was hopeless. Honestly, I never thought they’d end up saving me from what could have completely destroyed my life. I wish I knew who you were, so I could properly thank you for saving me, and for saving all of us others. You’re just as important as the Phantom Thieves; to all of us, you’re the reason we’re not invisible anymore.”

His hands came away from the computer as his face fell into his hands, sobbing uncontrollably with the goofiest smile on his face. It was loud, and it was ugly, but it was arguably the happiest Yuuki had been in his entire life.

_That’s right. How could you have forgotten?_

 

* * *

Yuuki texted Akira the next morning before the sun had even had the chance to rise, asking him if they could meet up on the rooftop after school. Akira agreed in so little words, and Yuuki was okay with that. That was just Akira’s nature. That was the only reason.

He was practically staked out while waiting for his friend to show up, enjoying the feeling of the wind passing by his clothes and his skin. He was in a state of euphoria that had no other comparison to think of. He was on top of the world - his own small, but dynamically changing world.

The grey door creaked hideously at his back, prompting him to turn around and face the transfer student who had changed his life - his best friend.

“Hey, Akira-kun!”

“... Since when was I Akira-kun?”

“Thought we could use a change of pace.”

Akira openly chuckled at the suggestion, but didn’t move to deny it. He only adjusted his glasses, exchanging smiles with Yuuki.

“So, Akira-kun.”

“Yeah?”  
  
“You were the one who made that post, weren’t you?”  
  
“I will neither confirm nor deny anything.”

Yuuki let out a snicker before crouching down to sit with crossed legs beside the stakes of tomato crops. Akira opted to leave the doorway to take a seat at Yuuki’s side, hugging one of his knees to his chest. His eyes trailed along the ground, heaving his chest before letting himself speak.

“I was really worried about you, Mishima. I know you’re the type to throw himself into his work and forget that he's a living, breathing person when he’s troubled.”

Yuuki placed his chin in his hand, leaning against his knee for balance. “I kinda get stuck in my own head. I just get these ideas I can’t shake… I start thinking that people don’t even notice me or anything that I do. That I’m still just…not even here, you know?”  
  
Akira’s smile faded quickly, but Mishima kept talking while his eyes were averted somewhere else.

“Why’d you do it, though? It just seems like a risky method, for a Phantom Thief to be using the site himself. People trace IP addresses and stuff.”

“... I could have told you that I appreciated you, but I wasn’t sure that I would be enough. I didn't really know if you'd believe just one person. So I spent the past few days rounding together people that we helped and rallied support in secret. I wanted you to see how many people need you, and how many people love you for what you do.”

Akira tentatively reached toward Yuuki, setting his hand gently atop his head for reassurance.

“Phantom Thieves or no Phantom Thieves, you’re still important. You’re not alone.”

_Come on, don’t cry again, Yuuki. You don’t need to cry every time you feel emotion._

“Hey… can I get a hug, Akira-kun? Would that be weird?”

Akira paused, pulled his hand back, and let out a boisterous, unprecedented laugh that nearly bowled Yuuki over where he sat.  
  
“Akira-kun, you’ve never laughed like that before!”  
  
“Sorry, sorry, it’s just - it’s nothing. It’s fine. You wanted a hug?”

Yuuki couldn’t help but join in, both of them hugging it out on the concrete floor while laughing until their faces hurt over nothing in particular.

 

* * *

_I have people on my side now._

_I have people who value me for what I do, and I have people who appreciate me just as I am._

_Even people with no names can change the world sometimes. As long as I can keep helping other people be heard, then the story will write itself._

_Hey, did you hear that, world?_

_I won't be invisible anymore._


End file.
